Join the Honors Institute and get priority registration.

Join the Honors Institute and get free tickets to cultural events.

Join the Honors Institute and get free scholarship money.

Join the Honors Institute and travel the world, visiting strange and exotic locals.

Join the Honors Institute and get whiter teeth, cleaner breath and lose 15 pounds.

Join the Honors Institute and meet the girl and/or boy of your dreams.

I wish I could tell you all these claims are true.

It might even be a good story if I could tell you they are all false.

Ever been driving down the highway and felt like throwing the car in reverse?

Wonder if you would suddenly lurch into reverse, if the transmission would fall out, or if anything would happen?

That’s this column.

I started out with the thought of going one place, and ended up going nowhere.

The original idea was to join the Honors Institute, spend a month or two in the program and then report all the wonderful benefits available to Honors Institute members.

So much for my plan.

Reality is I went to an orientation in February.

Walter Soellner, the Honors Institute coordinator, talked about the wonderful benefits.

He mentioned there were three ways to join:

• 3.25 cumulative GPA for continuing and new students
• College placement scores in the honors range for new students -- 90 percent on English test
• A faculty recommendation

My college placement scores were good, considering the 26-year hiatus, but not 90 percent good.

I did have a teacher who had urged me to look at the honors program, and she was happy to write a glowing recommendation.

In February I turned in my application and teacher recommendation, and waited.

And waited.

And waited some more.

Nothing, not a peep out of the EVC Honors Institute.

I saw Soellner and Bev Strauss, Honors Program assistant, at Kick it Outside two weeks after turning in my application.

They said they didn’t remember it off the top of their heads, but they were busy with Kick it Outside and would get back to me afterwards.

I waited a week.

When I didn’t hear from them, I stopped by their office.

They were both there.

Strauss told me I couldn’t join the Honors Institute because it was my first semester back at school and I needed to establish a GPA first.

Funny, there’s nothing about that requirement on their literature. Still they let me make an appointment with the honors counselor, Mary Ellen Flores.

A week later I had a nice chat with Flores.

I thought it was a good conversation, and during our talk she even called Strauss to make sure she knew I should be in the Honors Institute.

It ends up Strauss wasn’t aware I had a faculty recommendation, despite it being stapled to me application.

So again I waited.

It’s now three weeks since I met with Flores, and still no word from the Honors Institute office.

Far as I can tell, despite numerous contacts initiated by me, the Honors Institute is not aware I exist.

Maybe if I’d only try a little harder they would recognize the existence of Dan King.

Perhaps filling out an application and in-person meetings weren’t the right thing.

Maybe email, voice mail, telephone, carrier pigeon, smoke signals, any other means of communication would have worked better.

Maybe they just didn’t like the slant of my writing on the application, maybe it was the cut of my jig?

It’s possible what the Honors Institute is trying to teach is perseverance and hard work -- not in your studies but just in trying to join.

I guess I’ll have to learn to live with my failure.

Wonder how much work it is to join Phi Theta Kappa?